


Therapy is Good for You

by Nocturnal



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Comedy, Crack Fic, F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2018-11-15 12:26:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11230950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal/pseuds/Nocturnal
Summary: Izaya convinces Namie to attend couples therapy with him. Hilarity follows as the therapist struggles to understand the trippy dynamic between the two. Stalker Izaya with an inflated ego and standoffish Namie with plenty of crack. Also includes a one sided crush on Izaya.





	1. Chapter 1

 

“Because therapy is good for you!”

 

Yagiri Namie’s eyebrow twitched. Izaya had noticed that it was always the left one and that it always meant trouble.

 

“I do not see the point.”

 

“Like I said, it’s a chance of talking about our relationship and improving on it. As humans we are part of a social species and as such we must work on our communication.”

 

Izaya smiled as neutrally as he could. Namie was not even remotely convinced.

 

“I am busy. I have many things to attend to-”

 

“No worries, as your boss I am, how should I put this, greatly encouraging you to attend these therapy sessions with me.”

 

“If you want to order me then say so.”

 

“‘Ordering’ is such harsh language. Words carry a history, I am merely giving you a strong encouragement. It counts as work, too, so you’ll be getting paid and all. How bad can it be, really?”

 

* * *

 

“Welcome, Orihara-san, Yagiri-san. Please take a seat.”

 

The therapist could tell that these two would prove a hard case. The guy was all smiles in a rather disturbing way that reminded him a bit of hyenas and the girl shot darts from her stony stare and looked ready to claw someone’s eyes out.

 

“We finally decided to try some therapy.”

 

“I see. So, are you a couple?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“NO.”

 

The therapist blinked. Apparently the woman disagreed with the status of ‘couple’. He checked the file, leafing it slowly. This part was most for show but most prospective patients were impressed by paperwork.

 

“But you do work together?”

 

“I am Namie’s employer.”

 

“That’s ‘Yagiri-san’.”

 

Izaya sighed heavily as if he was greatly grieved. The therapist decided that these two had to be sleeping together. Otherwise she would be too afraid of being fired to be so snappy.

 

“See what I mean, doctor?”

 

“We’ll start by developing what I like to call an ‘open dialogue and cooperation’. Yagiri-san, I will ask you to describe Orihara-san in five adjectives. I’ll write them on this board.”

 

Namie was reminded of grade school and she just happened to hate that period of her life. Being surrounded by idiots took its toll.

 

“Childish, perverted, sadistic, irresponsible, manipulative.”

 

“Orihara-san, your turn.”

 

“Sexy, intelligent, demanding, unforgiving, snarky.”

 

The therapist finished writing.

 

“On the right column we have ‘Positive’ adjectives, in the left column we have

‘Negative’ adjectives. When you say ‘childish’, do you mean with child-like joy?”

 

“No, I mean it in the same way children use magnifying lenses to burn up ants.”

 

“Hey! I never did that! You’re the one into that kind of thing.”

 

“Only for scientific purposes.”

 

The therapist coughed.

 

“As you can see there is a schism here. Yagiri-san qualified Orihara-san with negative adjectives while Orihara-san qualified Yagiri-san with some positive terms.”

 

Namie lifted and eyebrow and folded her arms.

 

“I don’t agree with this classification. Why is ‘demanding’ in the ‘Negative’ category and ‘sexy’ in the ‘Positive’ one?”

 

The therapist had heard many a things in his career but this was new.

 

“Either way there’s no denying that you’re sexy. I keep telling you to wear shorter skirts but-”

 

“You better watch what you say, Izaya. You’re this close to sexual harassment.”

 

“So you are on given name basis? Good, that is a first step.”

 

“As I said, we are not a couple.”

 

“Namie, if we’re not a couple then what are we? We sleep together fairly frequently.”

 

“I am clearly being exploited to serve your sick needs.”

 

“As if anyone could exploit you! Don’t try to pin it all on me, it takes two to tango.”

 

“Use proper language.”

 

“Okay, it takes two to have sex. Doc, we also have to work on our sex life.”

 

Apparently the therapist was either losing status in Izaya’s mind or it was a matter of being more familiar to ease the stress of the whole affair. The therapist was unsure.

 

“‘We’? You make it seem as if I was not dragged here against my will.”

 

“I simply encouraged you-”

 

“Let us get back to basics, shall we? How long have you known each other?”

 

“A few years.”

 

“And how did you meet?”

 

These tended to be safe areas that were best tackled first. That and the therapist was not looking forward to the insanity that he was sure would follow and wanted to stall as much as possible.

 

Izaya was in a reminiscing mood, complete with dreamy eyes.

 

“I met the beautiful Namie on a rainy afternoon. She was wearing a black knee high skirt, a white blouse, high heels shoes and a deep green raincoat. I already knew about her, of course. After all I am Orihara Izaya, informant extraordinaire. I am in the know and have connections all over Tokyo so I have in-depth knowledge on all important players. One can say that I am-”

 

“Orihara-san, this isn’t about you now.”

 

“You can add ‘egocentric’ to the list.”

 

“I just have a healthy self-esteem.”

 

“Back to how you two met, please.”

 

“I booked a meeting with Namie at the company she was struggling to run at the time. But of course she turned it down. So I waited for her in front of the building and late in the night she finally walked out. She stood under the streetlights to open her umbrella, I offered her mine instead. Our eyes locked and I knew that we belonged together.”

 

“You’re leaving out the part about how you stalked me before that. Don’t think I don’t know how you parked in the building opposite and spied on me with your binnacles.”

 

Izaya shrugged.

 

“What can I say, when I am interested in someone I want to know about them. That was merely my way of learning more about you.”

 

“That was your way of being a perverted stalker.”

 

The therapist could see the need for therapy here. In fact, it might be more than therapy could handle.

 

“So unfair of you, Namie. Anyway, I introduced myself and was very happy that she knew about me.”

 

“Of course I did. You’re famous in Ikebukuro and beyond for being a sly power player with no scruple.”

 

“Why, thank you kindly.”

 

Namie narrowed her eyes as Izaya bowed.

 

“I don’t mean that as a compliment.”

 

The therapist coughed again to break the incoming argument.

 

“Yagiri-san, why don’t you tell us how it was for you when you met Orihara-san?”

 

“Oh, can I get some popcorn?”

 

“It’s as he said for the most part but I don’t remember any ‘gazing into each other’s eyes’. Izaya is making it seem as if it was a momentous occasion. It’s the way he is, lying more often than not.”

 

Izaya gasped loudly as if he was deeply shocked.

 

“Yagiri-san what kind of work do you do for Orihara-san?”

 

“My job description comprises many tasks but basically I have to make sure to clean up his mess for him.”

 

“So you do domestic work?”

 

Izaya whistled.

 

“You’re screwed now, doc.”

 

“I do not do domestic work. My competences are in the field of damage control, data processing and above all chemistry.”

 

“What can I say, intelligence is hot.”

Izaya smiled happily with a glint of malice. The therapist wondered if he had a death wish.

 

“I see. I apologize for the misunderstanding.”

 

“Do I look like a housewife?”

 

“Ah, Namie, as much as I appreciate your brilliant mind I have to admit that if you were to welcome me back every night wearing a pink apron and nothing else I would not at all complain.”

 

Namie tossed her hair in a gesture of irritation.

 

“You have a warped idea of what domestic work is. I’m not fond of wasting time in such menial tasks but domestic tasks do not include catering to your twisted ideas.”

 

“Do you two live together?”

 

“Ah, I’m afraid not. At times Namie stays over and we do a lot of work from my place but alas, we don’t live under the same roof, unfortunately.”

Izaya sighed anew, shoulders slumping in dejection. Namie was not even remotely convinced.

 

“Who would want to live with you? And besides, I have to be there for Seiji.”

 

“Seiji is…?”

 

“My younger brother.”

 

“And a rather meddlesome individual.”

 

“Watch what you say, Izaya.”

 

The therapist jutted a few notes.

 

“I detect some tension on this issue.”

 

“Indeed you do, doc. My ego suffers from always coming second, Seiji gets all of Namie’s affection.”

 

“I fail to see what is wrong in curbing your megalomania as it is.”

 

“Orihara-san, can you tell us why you feel that Seiji-kun is the problem?”

 

“I’m not too sure where I should start if I am honest.”

 

“As if you were ever honest.”

 

“My point is, you are a bit biased when it comes to your brother. And he always comes first. Remember last Valentine’s? I had a perfect date planned: dinner in Tokyo Tower, watching the city at night from the observatory and then some kinky times in a high end hotel. It even included a chocolate fountain, a waterbed, champagne, commemorative condoms, the works. All of which I paid for. Seiji-kun phoned her in the afternoon and just like that all of my plans were foiled.”

 

The therapist wondered just what such condoms were. And he had to ask.

 

“Commemorative condoms…?”

 

“Costume made with our names and pictures. Also flavored. I wanted something special. Since Namie always forces me to use condoms as it is I figured I might as well get some made just for the occasion.”

 

“Of course I demand you to use contraception, I obviously do not want to get pregnant. That I have to explain this is preposterous.”

 

“I know you’re on the pill so there’s really no reason. I feel that it is something that is lacking in our relationship.”

 

“If you must know I dislike your semen in contact with my body.”

 

Izaya sighed in a sorrowful manner.

 

“That is so cruel of you, Namie. So cruel.”

 

“And how exactly do you know what medication I take?”

 

Namie was suspicious, it gave her a deadly aura that the therapist found intimidating.

But Izaya merely smiled and put on a plastic glove.

 

“Every now and then I raid your garbage. I wear these. And you make it easier for me by separating everything so neatly. You’d be amazed at how much you can learn about someone by knowing just what they consume and throw away. I even know your menstrual cycle. I booked this session well into the follicular phase, not that I ever noticed any moods swings on Namie’s part.”

 

The eyebrow twitched a few times.

 

“That’s something even a normal stalker wouldn’t do.”

 

“It’s not stalking. What you throw away is up for grabs.”

 

“Orihara-san, in the future please refrain from rummaging Yagiri-san’s garbage.”

Probably the strangest advice the therapist ever had to give.

 

“I wouldn’t have to resort to such tricks if you talked to me…see what I mean, doc?”

 

“I don’t know if you’ve developed awful habits because you’re an informant or if you are an informant because of your bad habits, either way you are always gathering information of a dubious nature.”

 

“Most men would not have an interest in their girlfriends’ reproductive system. I go the extra mile because I am dedicated to you.”

 

 

“First of all, I am not your girlfriend. And second, there is something highly disturbing in going to that extent.”

 

“Let us go back to your working relationship. Orihara-san, how would you describe it?”

 

“Namie is highly competent. She is all I could want in a worker and more. Very no nonsense about it and she has no mercy. The killer instinct is something I value greatly. It seems to scare Kida, though.”

 

“And Kida is…?”

 

“My other worker.”

 

“Izaya’s little minion.”

 

“So there are other people working under you?”

 

“It’s just Namie and Kida on a permanent basis. I hire others occasionally but they aren’t part of the Orihara information agency.”

 

“‘Orihara information agency’? I did not know such a thing even existed, let alone that I was part of it.”

 

“The first thing you must know about the Orihara information agency is that you do not speak about the Orihara information agency.”

 

Izaya was very happy about the pop culture reference but Namie did not even recognize it. She was not one to watch movies as it was.

 

“And how does this Kida fit in?”

 

The therapist was sorry for him already. Having to work with this crazy couple must be beyond stressful.

 

“Kida-kun is a field agent. He is very useful.”

 

“Maybe for you. He just gets on my nerves.”

 

“Poor Kida-kun made the fatal mistake of making a pass at Namie. She knocked him out flat with one chop and I used him for target practice later.”

 

Izaya dangled his trademark switchblade.

 

“Yagiri-san, what do you think of Orihara-san as a boss?”

 

“I admit that he’s good at what he does. As far as digging up dirt gets no one is better than him and I appreciated how he disciplined his unruly sidekick.”

 

“Namie, thank you so much!”

 

“However, his work etiquette is off.”

 

The therapist was curious.

 

“What do you mean, Yagiri-san?”

 

“There are times when we are supposed to be working and he will decide to have sex instead. It is unprofessional.”

 

Izaya crossed a leg over the other.

 

“I’m the boss so it’s fine if I want to call it a day and have some recreation time. Also, I pay you as if it were work hours.”

 

“Are you calling me a prostitute?”

 

“No, no. Not at all.”

 

Izaya knew he had committed a blunder. It was rare of him but he could only make amends and backpedal.

 

“What did you mean, then?”

 

Izaya tried his friendliest smile.

 

“I meant that we can have sex even during working hours without it affecting your salary so there are no disadvantages.”

 

“It increases the workload later.”

 

“But Namie, you never want to meet me on your free time. What am I supposed to do? At times a man just wants to get it on with his woman.”

 

Izaya was taking a risk but there was something highly appealing about Namie when she was angry.

 

“Say that again and you’ll be the one becoming target practice.”

 

The therapist coughed.

 

“I detect some hostility between the two of you.”

 

“It makes for some feisty sex, doc. But it’s such a shame that I’m always the one taking the initiative.”

 

“If we had it your way we’d never leave bed.”

 

“Now that is not true. I would like to do it on all sorts of places such as my desk, my favorite swivel chair, the bathtub, the kitchen counter and in some public places too-”

 

“I rest my case. You are a pervert.”

 

The therapist decided to change the topic.

 

“What do you normally do on a date?”

 

“‘Date’?”

 

“Namie does not like dates.”

 

“Do you have any sort of activity you are involved in apart from work?”

 

“Apart from the hot steamy sex?”

 

“It’s obvious that Izaya has something of a one track mind. We play go at times.”

 

“She keeps a score, too.”

 

“And does normally win?”

 

To the therapist’s surprise Izaya clapped happily.

 

“It’s actually 50/50! With my genius it is difficult to get someone to play with. No matter how much of a handicap I am willing to give the other party there’s just no thrill. But Namie gives me a run for my money.”

 

“If you think I’ll be all mushy over your silly compliments I must correct you. Excuse me, I must take this call.”

 

Izaya recognized the ringtone on Namie’s phone and after waiting a few heartbeats tiptoed after her.

 

“Orihara-san, what are you doing…?”

 

“Shh, pipe it down will you? I’m eavesdropping.”

 

“That’s illegal…”

 

“Not if you don’t get caught.”

 

Izaya returned soon enough and resumed sitting as if he had not budged.

 

“I got to go now. Seiji called.”

 

“See what I mean!”

 

“Yagiri-san, the session isn’t over yet.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

And with this she was gone.

 

“Orihara-san, do you normally eavesdrop on Yagiri-san like this?”

 

Without a doubt it sounded creepy indeed.

 

“No, too risky. I have her cell phone bugged but she changed phone recently. By the way, I was pretty sure she’d leave ahead of time so I’ll email you some suggestions on how you can convince her that I am absolutely amazing.”

 

“That isn’t the point of therapy…”

 

“But I am amazing. And Namie must see it too. But she won’t believe it if I say so for some strange reason.”

 

The therapist did not think it was strange at all.

 

“It seems to me that she thinks that you have an inflated perception of your intellect and overall character.”

 

“Exactly! It is up to you to show her that’s just not true. There will be plenty of ootoro for you! Think about it.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Why are we doing this again? I thought we were done.”

 

Namie had been dragged to therapy again and was none the happier for that.

 

“Today we’ll try something a bit different. Yagiri-san, I will ask you a few questions about Orihara-san and vice versa. This exercise allows us to see how much you know about each other.”

 

“Oh, great idea doc! I am something of an expert when it comes to Yagiri Namie.”

 

She folded her arms.

 

“I suspect you keep a file on me and all.”

 

“There is no need for that. I have the information regarding you right here.”

 

Izaya tapped his head and smiled.

 

“Because you are such a genius.”

 

“Why, as a matter of fact-”

 

“Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”

 

Izaya pouted. He was very fond of expounding on his own merits.

 

“We will start with Yagiri-san. Orihara-san, I want you to write down the answer as well. What is Orihara.san’s favorite food?”

 

“‘Ootoro.’”

 

Izaya beamed as he showed his answer.

 

“Yes! You’re right, it’s ootoro. Fatty tuna is the best. It’s also an aphrodisiac-”

 

“I was in two minds, it was either ootoro or ‘human souls’.”

 

“Hey, that’s mean of you.”

 

“Yagiri-san, what is Orihara-san’s favorite hobby?”

 

“‘Stomping on girls’ cell phones and laughing manically’.”

 

“I don’t do that often, it’s ‘spinning on my swivel chair and laughing manically’.”

 

“I got the laughing manically part.”

 

“Who is Orihara-san’s best friend?”

 

At least this question should not raise any complications.

 

“‘None’. He doesn’t have any friends.”

 

“Not true! My best friend is…you! ‘Yagiri Namie’.”

 

“I’m not your friend.”

 

“True, our relationship is deeper than mere friendship but it also contains it. To put it in terms you’d like, ‘friendship’ is a subset of a greater group that is ‘our relationship.’”

 

Namie narrowed her eyes.

 

“All that is purely in your mind.”

 

The therapist leaned forward.

 

“Let’s switch now. Orihara-san, you will be answering questions about Yagiri-san.”

 

“I’m on it. Fire away.”

 

“To make this fair, I will ask the same questions. What is Yagiri-san’s favorite food?”

 

“‘Well balanced nutrient pills comprising the food groups as according to dietary needs.’”

 

“What he said.”

 

“See? I know you so well.”

 

“Orihara-san, what is Yagiri-san’s favorite hobby?”

 

“Namie doesn’t do hobbies. So I’ll go with ‘science shows’.”

 

“Yes, ‘science shows’.”

 

“Go me, go me, go me!”

 

“Who is Yagiri-san’s best friend?”

 

Izaya was in a roll and that always meant that he went into an ego trip.

 

“I am!”

 

“No. No, you’re not.”

 

“No way! Don’t tell me it’s Seiji?!”

 

“None of your business.”

 

Izaya rubbed his hands together.

 

“Oh? Could it be that you have no friends yourself, Namie?”

 

“Don’t assume that other people are like you.”

 

“I can be a wonderful friend. I always listen. You can trust me to listen to all your problems.”

 

“Most of my problems tend to revolve around you.”

 

“It is good to know that I am so important to you.”

 

The therapist had never seen anyone distort everything to his advantage as Izaya did. Clearly, Orihara-san had issues of his own.

 

“Let’s try something different now. Orihara-san, you can ask three questions to Yagiri-san and then vice versa. Each question will be followed by a confession from the person making it.”

 

“Oh goodie, I get to go first. Whatever shall I ask! I have so many things I want to know. I will start with, what is wrong with my semen?”

 

The therapist nearly fell off his seat.

 

“It is sticky and I dislike it unless it is inside a test tube and is being handled with gloves.”

 

“All semen is like that!”

 

“I am very much aware of that and I bet you have firsthand experience regarding that.”

 

“What do you mean, Yagiri-san?”

 

“He’s bisexual and as far as I am aware very much into having sex with men.”

 

“Hey! Using my sexual orientation against me is just unfair. I’d rather do it with you any day of the week.”

 

“You’d rather not do anything else.”

 

“Especially without a condom. We need to work on that. The brand of contraceptive pills you take has a 99.9% success rate. I have checked the statistics.”

 

Izaya seemed very happy with himself for showing that he was aware of statistical evidence.

 

“How about you have a vasectomy? I volunteer to do it myself.”

 

“Heh…Namie, you can be a hoot every now and then!”

 

The therapist was quite sure that she was as serious as anyone could be.

 

“And by the way, since you’re such a science oriented person, you should know that semen is actually very nutritious.”

 

“Don’t go there.”

 

Izaya nodded.

 

“I thought you would say that so I brought some issues of Scientific American. Don’t you just love the scientific method? Along with some articles on how healthy sex is for you. As human beings-”

 

“You don’t learn, do you?”

 

The therapist wondered as well. Izaya blinked innocently.

 

“But Namie, I only have your best interests in mind. I am a caring person.”

 

Izaya’s smile was so smug that Namie considered kicking the chair beneath him.

 

“Orihara-san, and your confession is?”

 

This should be good.

 

“Over the years I have replaced your entire underwear collection with similar items. So I have all your panties and bras. It wasn’t very easy but each time we did it at your place I would do a switch and it eventually came to pass that you don’t have any of your original underwear.”

 

“You stole my underwear. I won’t even ask why.”

 

“‘Stealing’ is too harsh. After all, you did not even notice it until now. I wanted to put some G strings in your drawer but I knew you would realize what was going on then.”

 

“I think you need therapy and medication.”

 

The therapist agreed.

 

“Yagiri-san, your turn.”

 

“Why do you carry that head around and talk to it?”

 

“Ah, I have a grand plan that I am not at liberty to discuss. I will just say that when it succeeds you and I will be live happily ever after in a paradisaical realm as gods.”

 

“And the odd thing is, I don’t even think you are making it up.”

 

“I’m glad that you trust me.”

 

“I did not say that.”

 

The Therapist did not even want to ask about this head business.

 

“Yagiri-san, your confession please.”

 

The therapist expected her to refuse altogether. He was mistaken.

 

“I have taken samples of your genetic material for the purposes of identifying the gene for megalomania.”

 

“That is kind of sexy. I’m touched!”

 

Izaya nearly held her hands but he thought better at the very last moment. After all, for all his liberties with Namie he knew that she was best handled with care. It was part of her charm.

 

“Orihara-san, next question.”

 

“Hmm…I didn’t want to ask this but to show my good will, if you could change one thing about me what would it be?”

 

The perfect answer would be ‘nothing’.

 

“I would decrease your sex drive, eliminate your narcissism, eliminate your tendency for causing mischief for the fun of it, eliminate your crazy fits of laughter-”

 

“Hey, I said one thing! Not a million…”

 

“There are many things that need correcting in you.”

 

“You lack diplomacy.”

 

“Good. I don’t want any.”

 

Whether they were a couple or not they sure argued as one, thought the therapist.

 

“Orihara-san, your confession.”

 

“I wrote Namie a song. It’s called, ‘I am such a great guy to have Namie as my woman’. It goes a bit like-”

 

“Sing and I will kill you.”

 

Izaya pouted.

 

“Yagiri-san, it is your turn to ask a question.”

 

“Were you born this obnoxious or did you grow into it?”

 

“Objection! The question is leading.”

 

“Orihara-san, this isn’t a court of law.”

 

“Still, it heavily implies that I am obnoxious.”

 

“Which you are.”

 

“To ask your question, my personality has not changed.”

 

“So it is genetic. I thought so.”

 

The therapist was even afraid of asking but unfortunately it could not be helped.

 

“Yagiri-san, your confession please.”

 

“I know that you talk to yourself when you are alone and think that no-one is listening. More, you address yourself as ‘ore-sama’ and dance in front of the mirror in the nude and without music.”

 

“There is nothing wrong in appreciating myself and celebrating it.”

 

“I rest my case.”

 

Namie addressed the therapist and ignored Izaya altogether.

 

“Orihara-san, what is your next question?”

 

“What is the best recollection you have with me?”

 

Namie gave it some thought.

 

“That one time that very strong man threw a vending machine at you and sent you hurling through the air.”

 

“Shizu-chan! When you mention him, the pain is great! The pain, the horrible pain!”

 

And for effect Izaya gesticulated. Namie did kick the chair at this point and Izaya fell flat on his ass.

 

“Hey, that hurt...”

 

“You can go with your theatrics so much better now.”

 

“Orihara-san, your confession?”

 

“I’ve told everyone we are engaged to be married.”

 

“One, who is ‘everyone’ and two, ‘why’?”

 

Izaya looked so pleased with himself that the therapist wondered if he was technically delusional.

 

“‘Everyone’ is ‘bukuro and beyond. And ‘why’, you ask? Simple. If you repeat a lie enough times it will become truth at one point or another.”

 

“You’re paraphrasing Goebbles. And I think you know it.”

 

“I love how knowledgeable you are. Now, could we set a date-”

 

“What for?”

 

“The wedding, of course.”

 

By now the therapist was afraid that Yagiri-san would actually stab Orihara-san.

 

“Let me guess, you want to wear another pretty ring.”

 

“Yes but more than that I want you to wear a matching pretty ring. With our names. Besides, I have the honeymoon all planned. A romantic cruise-”

 

“No.”

 

“How about a tour of the most romantic cities in Europe? Like, say Leverkusen.”

 

The therapist had never heard about this city in particular.

 

“Leverkusen is the headquarters of Bayer. Are you trying to bribe me?”

 

“I wouldn’t say ‘bribe’ but it just so happens that I could make it easy for you to visit every corner of Bayer. You can even meet the CEO!”

 

“CEOs are always insufferable ignoramuses that can only survive in a corporate environment that privileges mediocrity. They are not scientists.”

 

“And then we could go to Berlin, Paris, Rome, Venice, London!”

 

Not for the first time the therapist wondered if Orihara-san simply ignored everything he just happened to go against his plans. The shameless flippancy was indeed rather annoying.

 

“How about you go to all those places and leave me to run my research in peace.”

 

“But that defeats the purpose of a honeymoon…”

 

“Yagiri-san, you still have a question to ask Orihara-san.”

 

“Have you been spying on me?”

 

Izaya shrugged.

 

“We are using very loaded terms here. ‘Spying’ entails that I carry an unhealthy surveillance of your person and that it entails a certain maladjustment of my character. More, it heavily implies that I nurture a disturbing interest in your person and thus deprive you of some basic rights.”

 

Namie’s eyes turned into ice cold slits.

 

“Izaya, it’s a very simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. Answer it.”

 

Izaya fidgeted a bit. And some more.

 

“I wouldn’t say I spy on you but I may have installed cameras and bugs in your apartment.”

 

“Izaya-!”

 

“In my defense I would not have to resort to such means if you agreed to living under the same roof. My only wish is to become closer to you-”

 

“Oh really? By stealing my underwear and stalking me?”

 

“Yagiri-san, your confession please.”

 

“You encrypt your files but just so you know, I can crack any code anytime. I top you when it comes to computer science, information science and informatics.”

 

Izaya gasped.

 

“I absolutely love a woman who knows her binary code. Let us do some ‘programming’ together.”

 

To the therapist’s dismay Izaya actually winked.

 

“You’re missing the point. Next time you ask me to wear preposterous outfits I will hack into your computer.”

 

“Hey, sexy maid outfit isn’t preposterous. Frills and stockings are so you! Okay…maybe not but you know, that is the essence of roleplay. And it wouldn’t hurt you to call me ‘master’ every now and then.”

 

She glanced at her watch.

 

“Are we done now?”

 

The therapist coughed.

 

“Orihara-san, Yagiri-san, I have a suggestion. I want you both to plan a date each and I will join as an observer.”

 

Izaya nodded then pulled him apart to have a word in private.

 

“Great idea doc, really. But when I give the signal you’re to split. I am sure that you understand. Dates are conductive to some hot sexy times. I’ll signal you when the time comes. It’s all about timing.”

 

By the time they looked up Namie was already gone.

 

 

“Orihara-san, I am sorry if I am overstepping my bonds but why don’t you choose a partner who is less hostile toward you?”

 

“What would be the fun of that? It’s not just all about the chase but a good part of it is! Besides, getting an obedient woman to wear a French maid outfit is not a challenge nor is it interesting. And Namie is a wonderful woman. Which means that I must be an absolutely great guy to have her as my girlfriend! It is all explained in the song I composed.”

 

“You really wrote a song?”

 

“Of course. What can I say, I am a man of many talents. It just so happened that I have a very agreeable singing voice. Ah, if only Namie and I could have a duet! But that’s why I hired you, doc. I am counting on you. No pressure. But by the end of these sessions I fully expect Namie to become ‘Orihara Namie’. I already have a marriage certificate that only needs her signature.”

 

The therapist considered reminding Orihara-san that there was no such thing as miracles but he was afraid of getting Hume quoted back at him.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 The therapist was afraid of the date Orihara-san had arranged. He feared that it would veer on the romantic side and thus alienate Yagiri-san even further. And so he had asked him to inform him of his plans beforehand. The therapist was not quite sure what to expect but he was perplexed when Orihara-san announced his intentions of taking Yagiri-san to a robotics fair. It was so strange that the therapist had to enquire as to the rationale.

 

“It is very simple. Namie likes science in general and robots are sure to interest her: both in themselves and as useful tools. Also, I expect the place to be packed with geeks of the highly unappealing kind. My natural charm will be brought into relief in such a setting! It is perfect.”

 

The therapist had to give it out to Orihara-san. Here was someone who was very thorough and through and who planned in detail. Whether ultimately it would actually do Orihara-san’s love life any good it was still to be seen. A city could be easily seized but Yagiri Namie was more difficult to handle.

 

“Namie! I see that you are having fun!”

 

Izaya smiled widely and nearly skipped about. Namie was inspecting a stand of oddly shaped robots. She flat out ignored him.

 

“Interesting concept. Can I look inside?”

 

“Sure.”

 

The robot designer was rather distressed but Namie already had a screwdriver and was easily unscrewing a panel from one of the units.

 

“The material isn’t very durable and you should pay more attention to the circuitry. I assume that you created this?”

 

“Yes. But it’s still a prototype.”

 

Namie humphed and tossed her lush long hair over a shoulder.

 

“That translated as ‘I am too lazy or unable to improve on it’. I hate that kind of thinking. It is one step above CEOs.”

 

The therapist blinked.

 

“CEOs, Yagiri-san?”

 

“Ah, Namie has a prejudice against corporate people. I don’t suppose there is a term for that? ‘Corporate phobia’, perhaps?”

 

Namie shot Izaya a deadly glare.

 

“It is not prejudice but a deduction based on experience and data.”

 

“Yes, m’am! Suits must die and eat the rich!”

 

Namie folded her arms.

 

“I wouldn’t be saying that if I were you. Don’t forget I am aware of your finances and know all about those off shore accounts of yours.”

 

“I fully intend to share my possessions with you upon our getting married. Speaking of which, I saw the other day the first couple to get married by a robot! What can I say, only in Japan. But if you want us to get married in another location that is perfectly- hey, where did you go?!”

 

“Yagiri-san has moved to another stand.”

 

And so she had. Leaving Izaya to ramble to himself.

 

“So mean of her.”

 

Izaya had to skip to catch her and the therapist nearly ran.

 

“I am buying it.”

 

“Namie, what are you buying?”

 

“A coffee making machine that also delivers the cup. Given that you are too lazy to actually do that yourself.”

 

Izaya gasped loudly.

 

“But I value the human element. Machines cannot make coffee half as delicious or deliver it.”

 

“Then find another ‘human’ do it for you as I am rather tired of always having to make and deliver your coffee.”

 

Izaya actually pouted,

 

“It’s a bonding experience…and after some hot action I want a warm drink and it’s not the same without your serving it to me in bed. Couples need a routine of little things that they do together. Isn’t that right, doc?”

 

“Yes, but both parties have to-”

 

“And how exactly is it ‘together’? I’m the one making the coffee, I’m the one serving it to you in a platter and I’m the one tossing the cup into the machine afterward.”

 

The therapist did not exactly see how this was such an ordeal but Yagiri-san referred to the task as if it was nothing short of torture.

 

“I always invite you to drink it with me. And I believe that one day it will come true!”

Namie walked briskly to another stand. Izaya gave chase. The therapist was getting tired.

 

“Namie, how about this? It’s a robot pet dog! How cute is that? Let’s buy it!”

 

“Buy it if you want.”

 

“How about a kitty instead? I like cats better.”

 

“I don’t really care.”

 

“I always wanted to take care of a kitty with you. And look at the integrated circuits on this baby!”

 

That got Namie’s attention. She studied the robotic cat at length.

 

“The basic outline is not bad. Even if it is utterly purposeless.”

 

“Pets have a purpose. Being cute and adorable. I am much more a cat person so kitty it is! Any ideas about the name?”

 

The therapist wondered if this weird talk was Orihara-san’s strange way of vying for forming a family with Yagiri-san and hoped that it would never happen. The world was not prepared for it. She studied the robot at length.

 

“Are the animal’s behavior codes programmed into this?”

 

Izaya held it up.

 

“Nya~!”

 

“I’m not talking to you.”

 

The designer flailed at Namie’s glare of death and ended up trying to be funny:

 

“The basic ones, it won’t pee on your things or drink milk.”

 

Izaya prudently stepped back and the therapist followed his example, having realized that it was wiser to do so.

 

“I do not have the time or the patience to put up with ‘humor’.”

 

Izaya bought the robotic cat and again had to catch up with Namie who was trying on a robot suit of sorts.

 

“What do you know, it’s Macross meets Gundam.”

 

Namie tried to flex her hand with the glove like device.

 

“If I understand you correctly I can lift up objects up to 80 kilos with one hand?”

 

“Yes. It is developed for the care of bedridden people. The leg parts convert synaptic signals directly into motion so that paraplegic patients can easily walk.”

 

“Very interesting but it seems a rather heavy apparatus.”

 

“It supports itself so that one doesn’t feel the weight at all.”

 

Namie actually widened her eyes. Izaya felt a bit left out and he exceedingly disliked it.

 

“That is remarkable indeed. Here’s my card, I am interested in buying the patent and distributing it exclusively.”

 

Just when Izaya was about to intervene before he was forgotten Namie picked him up with a single hand and dangled him in the air like a ragdoll.

 

“Na-mie-”

 

“I don’t suppose you weight 80 kilos but I see endless practical uses to this invention.”

Apart from the general unpleasant feeling of being tossed about Izaya had a personal issue with it. It reminded him too much of Shizuo and his rampages. And with his limbs hanging limply he looked as miserable as he felt.

 

“Namie, how about you put me down? Please?”

 

She did so by dropping him without a warning. The therapist winced in anticipation of a serious injury but Izaya landed on his feet gracefully and bowed with a flourish as if he was on the stage.

 

“Let us move on.”

 

“Yes, Namie!”

 

And somehow the robot themed date was a success. Izaya was beyond himself and often would find himself skipping as he walked.

 

“What are we doing here?”

 

Izaya had led her to a lingerie store. He assumed a very grave attitude.

 

“I feel very bad for having relocated your underwear. To make up for it I will pay for any item you want to buy here. And if I may be as bold as to suggest a few purchases-”

 

“Why not give me back my things and spare yourself the trouble? On second thought, I don’t want them. I can only imagine what you have used it for but I am sure it was unhygienic and/or perverted.”

 

Izaya gasped dramatically.

 

“I may have pranced about wearing it over my head and used it for, recreational purposes so to speak, but that is hardly-”

 

“I rest my case. But I can always do with new underwear.”

 

“Yes! Indeed. That’s the spirit, Namie!”

 

Izaya had the presence of spirit to select a store with a lot of variety, it carried both kinky and frilly bras, panties, corsets and the like as well as simple cotton underwear.

 

Had he had his way, Izaya would have gone all out and picked a sex store that also happened to carry edible lingerie but he knew that Namie would have vetoed it on the spot. Which was not to say that he was exactly subtle. As soon as they entered the store Izaya brought to Namie’s attention to a see through babydoll lined with a fur trim.

 

“How about this one?”

 

“If you like it so much then you wear it instead of stealing from my drawers.”

 

“I abandon my relocating ways for good. I am a new man!”

 

Namie turned to the therapist who was sure they had forgotten all about him.

 

“I hope you can see that he is manipulating language again. ‘Relocate’? That’s what those CEOs say when they fail to abide by the approved budget.”

 

Izaya tried to look most respectable.

 

“Hey, I did replace your property.”

 

Namie narrowed her eyes.

 

“Yes, it is very telling how even you are better than them.”

 

“Yes, I must agree that corporate environment is stifling of one's creativity. I am of course exempt of such constrains.”

 

The therapist did not cease to wonder how Orihara-san turned virtually all statements into either neutral or positive about himself. Namie studied the lingerie in a most critical manner.

 

“Why do you insist on having fur on garments? Trying to go back on the evolutionary road?”

 

“Heh, very funny. But no. A bit of fur just so happens to be sexy if I may say so myself.”

 

And of course Izaya was donning his trademark stylish jacket.

 

“I am not buying it so you might as well put it away.”

 

“Like I said, this is my date so the expenses are on me. I'll be honored to buy it for you! It's an investment, after all.”

 

Izaya nodded soberly as if this was a wise thing to say. Namie passed him and picked a handful of plain cotton panties.

 

“These will do.”

 

“No way! So boring. Not that you don't look gorgeous even in normal undies and it's obvious that you look even better without anything at all but still-”

 

“Watch what you're saying.”

 

For once Izaya checked himself and coughed.

 

“I suggest a compromise. You may buy all the regular underwear you want. In turn, you will wear this beauty! What do you say?”

 

Namie tossed her hair over a shoulder and shrugged.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Oh yay. Happiness!”

 

“If you start jumping in public-”

 

“Worry not, I shall not skip about. This one is your size but you should try it on anyway.”

 

As Namie did so Izaya tip-toed to the therapist.

 

“I know that you're thinking I'll be sneaking in for a peek but I shall do no such thing. And if you dare spy yourself, well, let us just say it will not be pretty.”

 

Izaya flashed the switchblade without breaking his glowing smile and the therapist wondered just how much insanity was in store for him.

 

* * *

 

 

As it turned out Namie did buy in bulk, having decided that wearing underwear that Izaya had slipped into her drawer was not acceptable. But Izaya was not yet defeated. He proceeded with dinner in an expensive sushi restaurant where he had booked the best table for two, an extra chair being added for the therapist.

 

“It's raw fish.”

 

Namie wrinkled her nose as she said this. Izaya tutted.

 

“Now, now, it 's not 'raw'. It is fresh fish. Fresh tuna to be more specific and sliced properly, too.”

 

“If it's not cooked then it is raw.”

 

“Ootoro is prepared, you know. Besides, why are you hating on ootoro? It is very healthy. I thought that you were all about healthy eating.”

 

To the therapist's relief Izaya mentioned nothing about the aphrodisiac qualities of the food in question.

 

“I suppose its nutrient composition is indeed healthy.”

 

But still Namie sampled the tuna without much enthusiasm.

 

“It melts in your tongue like this, see?”

 

And Izaya simply had to show Namie by layering a generous slice on his tongue and opening his mouth wide.

 

“Watch your manners.”

 

Izaya was at his best behavior from there on much to the therapist and Namie's surprise.

Things seemed to be going to his way so he decided to opt for keeping a low profile for once in his life. It worked out when after dessert Namie invited him to her apartment.

 

At this point Izaya pulled the therapist aside.

 

“Doc, I’ll take it from here. Everything is going precisely according to the plan. I’d call it fate but I don’t believe in that. I make my own fate.”

 

And with this Izaya waved enthusiastically at the therapist and bounced indoors.

 

“We can start with the bedroom.”

 

“I second that motion! And then move to the other rooms.”

 

Izaya was happy that he had packed condoms and he could not help rubbing his hands in contentment.

 

“Get to it.”

 

“Bossy. I like it.”

 

“I meant that you can start looking for the bugs you installed and removing them.”

 

Izaya opened his mouth to protest but thought better of it. Namie had her arms folded and was blocking the threshold. Worse, she had not changed into sexy lingerie as Izaya thought but was wearing the robotic outfit. In other words, resistance was indeed futile.

Izaya spent a whole two hours fishing out spying devices from every chamber including the bathroom. Namie kept them.

 

“Well, now that we’ve taken care of that we can go back to-”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

 

* * *

 

 And just like that his sexy night was foiled. Izaya sighed sadly but then his phone rang just as he was about to take the lift and sure enough it was Namie.

 

“And if I happen to find as much as a single bug there will be consequences, Orihara Izaya.”

 

He sighed anew but smiled. Namie only used his full name when she was even more serious than usual. Izaya could hardly wait to see what Namie had planned for their next date. At home he checked his daily planner to see just how much quality time he was spending with Namie and decided to plan a few unnecessary tasks for her to fill the quota that he had decided was required.

 

The therapist was beyond surprised when Izaya summoned him to his apartment in the middle of the night. Izaya explained how the date had gone South and seemed rather discouraged. But not for long.

 

“Still, there is no need to despair. My surveillance network may be gone but I still have hour upon hour of Yagiri Namie footage to watch at my leisure. Of course, after all the trouble I went to actually bug the place it is tragic that no longer will I have my 200 angles of camera work but in the long run this may be for the best. That way I can have a word in private with you.”

 

 

The therapist was escorted to Izaya's bedroom where sure enough there was a wide high resolution flat screen right next to bed.

 

“Did you say 200, Orihara-san...?”

 

“Yes. A great loss like I said but see this screen? I play footage of Namie sleeping in here so that it seems as if she is right by my side. Unfortunately Namie is not too fond of sleeping next to me, not even after sex. It breaks my heart.”

 

And Izaya faked a sob. The therapist did not even know what to say but Izaya saved him the trouble by guiding him to the living room and opening a laptop.

 

“Doc, I think that the priority now is to get Namie to lose her semen phobia. I suspect it is a form of androphobia. Now, I've done some research on the subject and have assorted a few works by experts. I expect you to study them.”

 

Izaya handed him a USB. The therapist took it and wondered if Orihara-san simply could not help being a handful even when the idea was to be helpful.

 

“Orihara-san, you should let the professionals handle the therapy aspect.”

 

“Reading you loud and clear. It's just that it'll be awkward when the wedding night rolls by. Know what I mean?”

 

“You should take it one step at a time. I don't think Yagiri-san is ready to take such a step and your relationship is not yet stable enough for marriage.”

 

And the therapist doubted it would ever be.

 

“No worries, doc. I trust your skills. And of course, if you fail, I can't assure that you won't end up at the bottom of Tokyo Bay.”

 

Izaya's smile was a bit too friendly.

 

“Orihara-san...?”

 

“Just kidding, just kidding.”

 

But the therapist had his doubts.


End file.
